Midnight Musings
by Spikes-Black-Goddess
Summary: Buffy muses about the role of a very certain bleached vampire in her life. Fluff, up to ‘Dead Things.’
1. Love

**The Smokin' by the Oak tree series- Love**

(Dedicated to a close friend. Love ya, Erin, dear!)

Summary: Buffy muses about the role of a very certain bleached vampire in her life. Fluff, up to 'Dead Things.'

Rating: PG- mild sexual content.

Disclaimer: You know the drill.. I don't own any of the Buffy material or characters, but if I did… mmmmmmm. Yummy Spikey!

_Thoughts_

**Flashbacks**

-

On a chilly October night, when all was silent and calm, and the warmly colored tree tops swayed in a gentle breeze, the dim, silver light of a full harvest moon shone down, casting everything in a light gray tint.

All was clam in the summers home- well, almost. Buffy sat on her window sill, dressed in a simple crème colored pajama set. She stared dreamily out the open window, as a slight, playful breeze tousled her golden waves. Four am.

Normally she would've been asleep by now… but not tonight. No, tonight she was restless- to many thoughts were plaguing her mind, and all of them revolved around a very certain, peroxide-treated vampire.

She hadn't been to see Spike tonight, using the excuse that she'd had an awful day at work- not that there was _ever_ a good day at the DoubleMeat Palace- and she was far to exhausted. But that wasn't it. As of late, everything had been going relatively smoothly between her and Spike- they had come to a basic understanding. But last night, something went off-cannon.

**"Say it…" he'd said, his hand making lazy circles on her bare tummy. "Tell me you have feelings for me." His voice was low and seductive, his lips just a few inches from her neck. **

"**Spike, c'mon… we've been through this." She protested, not daring to look up into those beautiful icy eyes. **

"**No, not properly, we haven't." He'd replied, propping himself up on his elbow. She'd sighed and shook her head. **

"**Fine… just uhm.. Well… just shut up and kiss me." she demanded, pressing her lips firmly against his. She pushed him onto his back, desperate to feel his soft, full lips.. His stunning, passionate kiss. **

**This had always worked.**

**Every time Spike would start to ask questions, she'd distract him with seduction, they'd make love, and everything would be good for a while. **

**But this time, it was different. It hadn't worked.**

**Spike pushed her away, taking a deep, but unneeded breath. "Alright.. So that's how it is then, eh? Well.. Not now. Not this time.. If I can't have something.. Bloody hell. Just.. Not now, okay?" He murmured, dressing quickly.**

**She was surprised, but just rolled her eyes. "Oh, come on, Spike! You don't really-" "Get. Out." He cut her short, a low, deadly tone in his voice. His eyes were narrow, and she could see he wasn't playing, so she quickly did as he'd said.**

Buffy frowned at the memory, looking down at her feet. She was wrong to do that, and she knew it. She was wrong to treat him like a toy.. Like he didn't matter. After that, she hadn't seen him again. It wasn't like him to just disappear. Here she'd sat, all night- looking for him.

But when he didn't show up to stand by the old oak tree and look up at her window, she'd started to worry.

Yeah, yeah… we know what you're thinking. But it's not true! _No way_ was she in love with him, not even close! Just like she was not even _close_ to being lonely without him.. And like snow wasn't even close to white.. And like tomatoes were not even close to fruits!

But she couldn't love him, it was impossible!…. Wasn't it? _That's easy,_ Buffy thought, _Spike's bad.. He's evil. He doesn't have a soul, so he must be evil._ But was he really?

When she first met Spike, he was a cruel, vicious animal- thriving on human blood, and murder by numbers. But over the years- whether anyone would admit it or not- the had been a slow but radical change in him.

He was kind and considerate- to her at least, but that was enough. He loved and cared about her more than anything in the world, and used his amazing strength to protect her and Dawnie.

**"I know you'll never love me… I know that I'm a monster.. But you treat me **

**like a man. And that's…"**

His voice rang through her head, causing her to smile a bitter-sweet grin.

"That's what?" she whispered to herself, tilting her head slightly. "What did he mean to say?" But deep down, she had a feeling. A bright smile lit up her features, and she sighed softly to herself.

"No William… you're not a monster. Not anymore. You -are- a man, and I love you."

Buffy came to her final conclusion, as she stood and closed her window, returning to bed. She drifted off into a deep, peaceful slumber, with pleasant dreams of her decided new man.

But down in the yard, by the big oak tree, there was a small pile of cigarettes. Spike stepped out, staring up to her darkened window with a look of rapture upon his face. "Yeah… love you too, pet." He whispered with a glowing smile, and then disappeared into the shadows.

**The End**


	2. Tradition

**The Smokin' by the Oak tree series- Tradition**

Summary: As Buffy comes to her final realization about Spike, he has thoughts of his own… Fluff, up to 'Dead Things.'

Rating: PG- mild sexual content.

Disclaimer: You know the drill.. I don't own any of the Buffy material or characters, but if I did… mmmmmmm. Yummy Spikey!

**A/N: In this chapter, I mention some slightly out of context things, including alcoholism. Though it isn't mentioned it the show, it is a theme strongly implied on Spike's part, and I share my thoughts on it at one point. Since this is slightly off cannon, I decided to add a little of a drabble, but tried to steer it as far away from satire as possible.**

_Thoughts_

**Flashbacks**

Ah tradition- routines without change, something done on instinct, without thought. That is what this had become for Spike. Every night, standing out by the massive oak tree, with a slowly growing pile of cigarettes, staring up at her window, just to see her silhouette, just to be near her.

Tonight was no different. Sure enough, there he stood, cigarette hanging limp from his lips as his icy blue optics remained fixed on her window. She was sitting there, glancing out- almost as if looking for someone. So naturally, he'd slipped behind the oak tree to hide. Okay.. So that wasn't really natural for Spike at all. But considering the circumstances, and the situation they had managed to work themselves into, some how he just didn't feel that 'Buffy time' was what he needed at the time.

He hadn't dared to come around and try to see her all day, not after what happened the night before… the things he'd said. True, he didn't remember all of it, outside of going on an acrid drinking binge, but he recalled telling her to get out, and then seeing her with an expression like he'd never before witnessed.

She looked more hurt than he ever assumed she could be, and he'd been quite surprised with it, but then the pain faded into anger and she had stormed out without so much as a scornful glance.

His head still hurt from what he'd done after that. Hours of countless liquor bottles, all in the name of his moody midnight mistress, each to be drained quickly and shattered like his own image. Not to mention the few but fantastic drunken brawls down at Willie's, just to blow off some extra steam.

Besides, it wasn't like he had a problem with alcohol or anything of the sort! He thought about this for a moment, and grimaced slightly. Well.. not really anyway. But, this wasn't the time for those kinds of thoughts. Now, it was time to focus on his decided Golden Goddess.

Buffy, his power, pleasure and pain. His sugar, and his poison. His strength and his downfall. His sunshine, and his shadow, his angel and his cross, his only happiness and his most dreaded curse.. She was his sanity, and she was his screaming abyss.

He loved her, everything about her. Her wide, sparkling emerald eyes, her golden, wavy locks and the ay they bounced around her flawless angelic features. Even better, the way she flushed after he had finished with her, or the way her small hands would cling so mercilessly to his body. Sometimes he even got lovely little bruises and marks.

He loved how she seemed so pleased when he would whisper the affectionate little sonnets to her as they moved together.

** "Buffy… so lovely. Tastes like sunshine and honey. My sunny, golden angel."**

He smirked slightly and shook his head at this memory. "Bloody hell… William lives." he muttered to himself with a tone of good-natured disapproval. Just why did he love Buffy anyway? He knew that he shouldn't, that it was wrong. And he knew well that she would never return his feelings, never truly care for him.. He would never admit it, but deep down, in whatever it was that he called his heart, all stained and full of lies, bound and sealed off from the world of the living or the dead, he knew that she didn't care for him. In her eyes, he was an evil, disgusting thing.

Wasn't he? She'd always had a particular disliking for him, that he knew, but as of late.. didn't things seem to be looking up? She trusted him around the nibblet, even saw him as part of the group, in some odd, not-really-official-but-someone-expected sort of way. And of course, there were the nightly visits.

So yes, he concluded, he did love Buffy! And he would continue to pursue her until all that was left was her smile and his ashes. Instantly, he regretted the harsh manner or speaking he had taken to her the night before. Hadn't he always promised never to hurt her? But what if in her perspective, that promise was broken? What then? He started to wonder if maybe he had made a terrible mistake. Just as his musings were about to drive him to curses, he looked up to see Buffy, still sitting on her window sill, but this time with a glowing smile.

It was a radiant smile… glistening, gleaming.. it was effulgent.

Now many time Spike had been grateful for his vampire senses, but this time would top them all. Looking up, he strained his ears to catch four little words that would set him free, and then capture him again. Four tiny, sweet words that would bring him a bloody revelation!-

"William, I love you."

A shocked expression came over him, but quickly faded into a look of unspeakable happiness, and a dazzling grin lit up his features. His oceanic cerulean eyes sparkled genuinely, and he drew in a deep, though unneeded breath. "Yeah pet… love you, too." He whispered, his voice shaky, but silken.

With that, he tossed down his cigarette, and disappeared into the shadows, headed for his crypt to celebrate.


End file.
